miss yew ev

Standing Quietly in the Background

It’s been a while since I’ve shared here. Life has a way of pulling us in many directions, and sometimes the writing pauses while we tend to what’s right in front of us. But as I’ve been watching the turmoil in our nation and across the world this past week, my heart has been stirred again to put words on a page.

Everywhere I look, people are carrying burdens heavier than words can express. My heart is especially drawn to those walking through loss. And if I’m honest, much of what I carry right now feels hollow, shaded with a kind of melancholy I can’t quite put down. Perhaps that’s part of why I return to writing—to give shape to what sits heavy inside.

I am not a first responder—those men and women step into crises with a bravery that humbles me. My place feels different. I see myself as someone standing quietly in the background, waiting for the moment when the noise settles and the grief begins to surface. That’s often when the loneliness sets in, when reality becomes undeniable, and when people most need to know they are not alone.

But waiting is not easy. The hollowness in me often presses to be filled by doing something—anything—that might ease the sorrow I see around me. Yet grief doesn’t move at my pace. It comes in waves of silence and ache, often when least expected. The most loving response isn’t to rush in with answers, but to sit with the discomfort of not being able to fix what’s broken.

What I bring in those moments is presence. I offer what I call being a “heart with ears”—a willingness to listen without judgment, without analysis, without interruption. Sometimes what people need most is not advice or explanation, but someone who will simply stay with them in the silence, even when that silence feels heavy.

The kind of loss many are facing right now—whether in our communities or across the globe—can be overwhelming. It stirs emotions that are messy and hard to contain: sorrow that feels bottomless, helplessness that lingers, anger that simmers just below the surface. All of these responses are part of grief’s language. None of them are wrong. They don’t need to be explained away. They need to be acknowledged.

I don’t step into this work untouched. My willingness to be present with others comes from knowing my own valleys. I know what it feels like to have life split wide open, to carry a hollow inside that words don’t seem to reach. That personal landscape of loss shapes every conversation I hold, every tear I witness, and every silence I honor.

So while I may not be the one who rushes to the scene, I will be there in the days, weeks, and months after—ready to walk alongside, to listen, to hold space. Because grief doesn’t end when the headlines fade or when the casseroles stop coming. It lingers. It reshapes. It leaves both emptiness and unexpected beauty in its wake. And in those tender, ordinary moments, people need presence more than platitudes.

It feels good to return to writing, though it feels tender too. The hollowness remains, but I’ve come to see it as part of love’s echo—proof that what was lost mattered deeply. Writing again helps me hold both the ache and the hope together.

This weekend, I took an afternoon stroll—no agenda other than to breathe, to notice the light through the trees, and to let nature remind me that beauty still exists in ordinary places. As I walked, I was reminded that Jesus meets me even there, in the quiet, in the hollow spaces, in the gentle gifts of creation. His presence doesn’t erase the ache, but it steadies me with hope. Grief can leave us feeling emptied out, but it cannot take away the promise that He is with us.

Perhaps that is grief’s greatest lesson: it teaches us how to live with contradictions. We carry sorrow and beauty, despair and resilience, silence and presence. And at the center of it all, there is Jesus—holding both the brokenness and the hope, reminding us that we are never alone.

A Zookeeper of Introverts

Today would have been your 33rd trip around the sun. I’m not going to lie; I’m sad you aren’t here. I’m sorry that you are missing all the things. Part of the process of the completion of our relationship with Grief Recovery is talking through our hopes, dreams, and expectations, and I’m grateful to have processed those things. Still, those feelings can surface on days like today, and I must face the grief of you not being here. I’ve learned a lot over the last two years, and I often feel like a broken record when sharing about Grief Recovery. I share because I know of loss, and everyone is walking out their losses individually. I can listen and be a heart with ears. I’m also grateful to have processed such a painful loss as Evan’s death. Pain does not equal love. Carrying painful feelings is not how love carries on. Sweet memories and funny stories, along with the love of family and friends, being truthful about what hurts, and not running away from painful feelings by doing things that help me not feel them. (overeating, drinking, shopping, and isolation) I’ve done that too long, which is part of the problem. So, at this moment, I am heartbroken, and I miss you. There is a hollow place in our family because you are not here. I can’t pretend it’s not there; part of that reality’s truth is to say it. Happy Birthday to you! You’re missed every day, especially at this time of year.

Have I told you about Evan??

Today while the world is laser-focused on a pandemic, for many, we will be thinking and speaking about the children we have lost. The how of that loss is diverse as the many mothers who will be missing their child/ren this Mother’s Day. Today like every day, many are suffering a loss that doesn’t take a break. We suffer silently as the world seems to have discomfort with our voice. So with the world around me clamoring to be heard, I’m raising my voice.

Have I told you about Evan?

I’ve wondered during this pandemic what would be Evan’s thoughts and actions. Evan was always very passionate about his convictions and would start a discussion to see how people would respond. It was the art of the debate that he loved just as passionately as the debate itself. He was an extrovert and a person who would bring together those on the fringe or just needed a place to feel connected. At his memorial, he was given the title of a “Zookeeper” of Introverts. I loved that name and the thoughts that name was an active part of his life. He was a writer of many things but poetry was his heart, a book collector, and an avid reader. He came into this world nearly three weeks early as to get a head start on living, and he continued to live until his final days, which for me came far too soon. He was a giver of life through the gift of organ donation, and he left behind a brother who, like Evan, is passionate and chose to walk out that passion by successfully hiking the PCT in 2019. Alex did this to raise awareness about organ donations, to raise money for that cause and I believe to honor the gift of life that Evan shared to five people.

To all of the moms, I know personally, and on social media, I see you. I am sad that we share this journey of loss, but I’m grateful that I have you. That you see me and that I can always find unity and love in this space. I pray for our world, our nation, and you as we again celebrate another day without our child. My love and understanding to you today.

Hello November!!

I saw a post recently that said, what will you do with the remaining 61 days left in the year. I always find these questions interesting because they come from a place of thinking you have total control over your life and future. Some days I feel like I can grab myself by the shoulders and say, “You can do this!”. But as I step into the first day of November and I look ahead to the remainder of the year, I must do so by looking back.

On this day 3 years ago, I was editing a photo session of a dear friend and wondering what the week ahead would look like. I had captured a photo while I was waiting for them to arrive at the photo session cause I wanted to share in the “Thankfulness” of November. When I posted, it was meant for encouragement for others, but also it gave me pause as I was encouraging a friend who was facing a tough time. The verse I used was, “Be thankful in all things.” When this friend said, she was trying, I encouraged her that this verse was directional. Christ sees us. That he comes near when we can’t. The strange thing about this dialogue is that less than 48 hours later, I would come to understand this truth authentically and tangibly.

So when I think about the next 61 days, I ask myself what will you do “today?” Maybe I’ll think about tomorrow, but I genuinely hold things loosely. I’m living in a state of change that I did not plan for, nor did I agree to and that is said with living this grief life for my short 3 years. Motivational speeches should look different for those who are grieving or mourning. Instead of asking about the next 61 days, how bout we just make it through the next thing...So live your best day today! Hello November!