My Real Highlight Reel...My Word for 2023

The end of the year always brings highlights from the year we're leaving with bright hopes for the year ahead. I always love to see what those highlights look like and when I get ready to do mine, I'm always disappointed by what the algorithm chose for my "highlights." It's always difficult for an app to know what made my day and what got a lot of likes. In my economy, likes don't always equate to making my heart happy.

As I closed out the year, my word for 2022 was the noun version of Resolve-firm determination to do something. Similar words to resolve are braveness~courage~spunk~steadfastness~persistence

I'm looking back fondly because this word was the very essence of my year. I was persistent in understanding grief and all of the things that grief has taught me. I spent the year taking the information I've learned over several years of loss, pursuing what I've gleaned, and getting the training with the grief recovery method that has me moving into the next thing God has for me.

I've decided on my word for 2023 and just ordered my one little word piece.

My Word for 2023 is Inspire - to influence or impel, to give inspiration to, to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.). Other similar words are educate-enrich-enlighten-transform-nurture. As I move into 2023 with newfound information on grief and loss, I hope to Inspire others to feel their feelings and to process and complete their losses. I’m wondering…what is your word for 2023?? Happy New Year!!

The Gift of a Family Through Adoption

Just about a week ago I had the unique opportunity to capture the adoption proceedings for a new friend. This particular adoption was unique in that the family of the adopted child was part of the process and it was something I have always wanted to participate in. The adopting family, The Hemsley's, have two biological children and now with this adoption, they have three adoptive children two of which are siblings. The whole family took an oath of commitment and it truly was an awesome experience. 

One of the sweetest parts for me...well there were a few really...was that UC Davis has this program called Princess Pals at UC Davis check them out on Facebook. These are undergrad med students who dress up and attend special events for kiddos. I've posted the Facebook link here: https://www.facebook.com/PrincessPalsUCD/

The other sweet thing is that Renee Hemsley, Executive Director, of https://www.hopes-anchor-inc.org/about which is a group that Encourage, Equip, Educate, Engage the Foster and Adoptive communities in Yolo County. She is passionate and fully engaged. Putting hands and feet to the needs of foster and adoptive families. It was a blessing and honor to serve their family as they do what they are called to do. Yolo County has been doing some great things and I'm grateful for my connections in this community.   

Lastly, what made this extra special for me is that this all happened on the day that would have marked my Dad's 89th birthday. It was pretty amazing!!

Glimpses of Me

For me, it seems that most days are not without some degree of sadness. I try hard to be who I was before Evan died and at times I think that person is still there. Grief has a way of changing who we once were. Oh, I see glimpses of her….some of those glimpses are good some of them not so much. All of the same hurts, insecurities, simple pleasures and wonders are present but all of them are now sifted through grief. I have watched people and places that have always been solid places for me begin to disappear before me. As I learn more about this journey none of this is unusual. It is actually very common. People scatter….places that held happy memories become a wound that is often times too large to bandage. The very things that you thought you knew are now vague memories or are completely forgotten. 

Not too long ago I was explaining to a dear friend through tears that there is something in me….it almost feels like I’m expectant…edgy…watching but with this restlessness in me I want to see progress…I want to push. She said that it sounded similar to that of a mother birthing a child. There you have it. That is exactly how I’m feeling. It’s hard for me to rest..to practice pausing…waiting…to lean in. I’ve been listening to a lot of worship music since Evan’s death. Some of my favorites are Elevation Worship. The words are so powerful. I read an article about their song “There is a Cloud” and the meaning of the song. Such a great article I've included the link here. http://www.newreleasetoday.com/article.php?article_id=2112

One of the many verses they talk about is Hebrews 11:1. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." I’ve included one of the verses of the song in this post. This is from Elevation Worship “There is a Cloud”.

Thanks, Christy for this lovely art piece. @christym.smith

We Back the Blue.

Earlier in June we had the great honor to celebrate as a dear friend graduated from the police academy. His hard work and determination paid off as he walked across the stage and was presented his badge. It had been a long 6 months and one that was marked by great accomplishment but also great sadness. Christopher had been accepted into the program about the time our son, his dear friend, was in an auto accident that left him brain dead. It was a difficult time for all of us and yet in it a great thing emerged. Christoper started the program and 6 months later he is starting his job as a police officer. 

I'm grateful to be included in such a time of celebration and I look forward to the great things he will accomplish in the months and years ahead. Best Wishes, Christopher! We love you! 

Taking to the open roads of North Carolina....

On Friday I woke up and wanted to see something beautiful.  I'm rather partial to water features so I found out that there are lovely waterfalls less than 3 hours from Charlotte. So I took off with my camera, some snacks, and water to the Pisgah National Forest. It wasn't until I stopped at Starbuck's in Hendersonville, NC that I realized I forgot my wallet. Not only that but I had about a half of a tank of gas. UGH.... anyway, I kept going towards the mountains and arrived at the national forest. I stopped and looked at the map by the rangers station and made a plan to go look at a few of the falls that have made this region famous. The map and info provided below courtesy of Pisgah National Forest Ranger Station.

I made my way towards Looking Glass Falls, which is just inside the park. The great thing about it was that you can observe the falls from your car it’s that close. I ventured out of my car though and walked down to get a closer view. The roar of the water was so refreshing for a brisk nearly spring day. I thought a lot about my boys. I wish I could give you a quick thumbnail of my thoughts but there where too many. Mostly that I miss Evan….nothing new there. Mostly I feel for Alex and that adventures that could have been will not be with his brother. I thought of my extended family and that of my husband. As I drove along I thought of my husband also as I saw so many people fly-fishing along the waters edge. It was a beautiful day with water.…my thoughts….and creation.

This was taking from the roadway.

During my brief adventure I also went to Looking Glass Rock that was not too far from the falls. When I stopped and got out to take a few photos in the distance I saw one of the native birds of this area a Peregrine Falcons. I’ve been having a few encounters with falcons lately and the beauty of that is it gives me a sense of connecting with Evan. It is as if the Lord allows it just to give me a sense of comfort. The Lord does this so often for me as I’m out in creation. It's worship really…I can hear Him. He lets me know that he’s near…that He sees my longing…that He know that my heart is searching…looking for my boy. I’ve done a little bit of studying about falcons but truly I’m not looking for anything supernatural….I’m just looking for the Lord to show me what He wants me to see and to find comfort in the connect He makes with me. My hope is that you see the beauty that I see and that you too can see Jesus in what I share.

The Greatest Generation lost one of their own in February.

On the last day of February our family said goodbye to my Dad...Harold Dyson Rutter, Jr. He passed away on Sunday, February 12, 2016 at the age of 88 years old, surrounded by loved ones, at his home in Fort Mill, SC.

He was born in Altoona, Pa. on February 9, 1929 to Harold Dyson Rutter, Sr. and Clair Helen (Croyle) Rutter.  He was the first-born son of four children to whom he was very close.  His oldest sister Joyce Arlene (Rutter) Shiplett lives in Kingston, PA; and youngest brother Gene Rutter lives in Raleigh, NC. His youngest sister, Edris (Rutter) Colyer, precedes him in death.

Harold never met a stranger he didn’t like, was a seeker of information, a treasure trove of knowledge and was always ready with a hug or time for a conversation. Upon graduating from Altoona High School, he volunteered and was accepted to the US Navy during WWII for the Submarine Service.  He felt fortunate to serve on three different submarines, the USS Corsair SS435, the USS Trumptfish SS425, and a captured German U-Boat, USS Ex-U2513. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_submarine_U-2513  

He served on the USS EX U-2513

Following his honorable discharge from the service he attended Penn State University and worked for the Pennsylvania Railroad. It was during this time that he met and married the love of his life Dorla Rose Albright on May 26, 1956 in Winchester, VA. They both enjoyed playing card games, dancing, singing, Mexican train and their family.

International Business Machines (IBM) employed him from 1959 until 1991. During his time with IBM he worked in both New York and Virginia but spent a majority of his career in San Jose, CA as an engineer.  Following retirement and years of global travel, he and Dorla moved to Fort Mill, SC where they made great connections in the American Legion, the VFW in Fort Mill, the Fort Mill Moose Lodge and the Carolina Piedmont Submarine Veterans Base. These organizations of caring peers continued to be a part of his life especially as his health began to fail.

He is survived by his wife, Dorla Rutter, his children; John Hammel and wife Jean of Lake Wylie, SC; Tom Hammel and his wife, Debra of Benson, AZ; Randy Rutter of San Jose, CA.; Dawn Kincade and husband, John of Vacaville, CA. and Shawn Rutter and his wife, Rebecca of Charlotte, NC.  Harold’s family has extended to 14 grandchildren and countless great grandchildren. His grandson, Evan Kincade of Vacaville, CA. precedes him in death.

I want to thank my Uncle Gene Rutter for all that he did as he officiated, organized and helped us honor our Dad in a way that was traditional but also showed the fun, adventurous and loving man that he was and will always be to those who loved him.

We love you, Dad. Thank you for the love that you gave so freely to all who knew you and for your service to our country.

Drying out from the rain....Capture 2017 Week 2

We have been under clouds of rain for the last week and finally in the last few days we have emerged to dry out and be outside. Although the dampness has caused a bit of ground fog it has still been nice to see the sun and although I LOVE the sun there is beauty to be appreciated in the rain and fog.  

The journey I'm currently traveling is a strange one for me. I have moment of great joy and happiness (the sunny days) and moments of such great sadness and tears (the rainy days) with moments of not knowing if I can see beyond the moment I'm in (the foggy days). Now I can use other analogies that are weather related...but these are the ones that are the most fresh....the here and the now moments. I suspect they are no different then what you probably experience on a weekly basis but I've found that I am much more contemplative~ watching...looking...observing. Trying to find Hope at a time when I feel rather lost and out of sorts.

We recently found a few of Evan's writings and I'm amazed at his work. So much depth. It's funny cause I too wrote much during my younger years. I guess we both had a lot of emotion that didn't have an outlet so we wrote. Most of those writings were born of pain and sadness. Evan's too have the same flavor...depth...sadness. Many though are quite spiritual....almost prophetic so to speak. I hope to add them as I post these updates to the Capture 2017. 

Contingency   

My heart never told my brain to have a contingency plan.

Landlines, locked down by strong winds,

pacified by semi-meaningful promises and

dual-fated illnesses, lack the structural integrity to hold out

and the floodgates burst wide.

Even the eye of the storm–mildly calm compared to

the rest of the sorrowful, cloudy night– is brainwashed

into thinking that it has to act as the rest of tempest must:

with vengeance till the last exhalation

and the floodgates burst wide.

Though I've dabbled in sailing and preparing safety nets,

it must've slipped my first mate's mind to prepare

my last line of comfort and consolation.

I am alone. No one can hear me. I am alone...

and the floodgates burst wide.

My psyche is lost in the tide.

I cannot get out.

 By Evan Kenneth Kincade    3/08

What will you capture next.....Capture 2017

Mother's Day Note 2016 

Back in May of 2016 my sons, Evan and Alex, took me out for a Mother's Day adventure to a beautiful place in the Piedmont Hills. We walked to the top of this hill and we could see all of the bay area from this place. They had thought through the day and made it all about the things that I love, taking photos, beautiful spaces, food and them. Later that day both of my sons wrote me lovely notes and challenged me that they looked forward to what I would "capture next". 

So I wanted to start my own journey of capturing what I see on a daily and weekly basis so that as I look back over 2017 with the hope of seeing what the world and creation was saying to me. My desire is to share my heart as I view life and the living of life that comes with seeing my world differently then last year. To put my thoughts and feelings in an open place that others will feel a connection to so that they will join me. Being expectant as I will be this year to see what God has for me and hoping that in some small way this will help with my broken heart. 

Fast forward to today,  January 11, 2017...our family has lost our son and brother, Evan....and life as we've known it will forever be changed. I will ALWAYS be the mother of two sons....the ensuing birthdays, Mother's Days, and all other holidays will look and feel different. I am grateful for my son, Alex, who is working and processing this journey along with his parents. Love my sons and I'm thankful for the 25 years, 11 months, and 4 days I had with Evan and for Alex who has been so attentive toward our care as we venture down this road we did not want or desire for our family. Look around...begin to see the world that surrounds you and capture it. 

Be expectant...Be intentional....#Capture2017

These photos taken since January 1, 2017.

The World as I see it as I Welcome 2017 and Say Good-bye to 2016

As our family wraps up 2016 and moves into the new year it would not be complete if we didn't take a moment to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, cards, emails, texts and most of all your love towards us. This community that God has given us has truly been a life line for us.  Losing Evan has been one of the hardest things our family has experienced and we want you to know that you have been a great source of light and hope for us. 

During the holidays we tried to create new memories while clinging to old traditions as we have faced many firsts already without our son and brother. It was difficult to not have Evan with us during this time of year as it has always been a time that we have gathered to celebrate. Although we tried hard to enjoy the company of family and friends something of course was missing and that something was Evan. Oddly for me when fun was involved and I was in the throughs of laugher or singing loudly or dancing to awesome 70's hits.....a sadness invaded me and tears would begin to fall. I felt a touch of guilt that Evan would not be here on this earth laughing, singing loudly and dancing and that brought sadness to me.

Many will say...he is dancing in heaven...yes I know and maybe in the future when I have wrestled with my feelings of loss maybe I will have the strength to look death in the face and not cry foul....but the reality is he is not here and heaven although real....is abstract to me and selfishly, I want to have him here......to hear his laughter...listen to him sing loudly and dance. The struggle is real for me as when I write this what does it say about my faith...what does it say about my heart....This is just my world and honestly, I just told my family last night...I get inside my head when this happens and it just isn't good......all this while tears are streaming down my face.....I'm glad that God is big enough for these things that I ponder and that he has provided me with a husband and son that are trying their best to love me while their hearts are breaking too.

As I move into this New Year somewhat reluctantly I would like to extent to you all the hope and joy that the New Year brings. We pray that you live each moment of each day with love in your heart. Enjoy those you love....As for me I am expectant to what the Lord is showing and teaching me in this season...I know that I am looking to be more intentional in 2017. Making every moment count....

".....Cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder".  

                                                               Romans 12:12 MSG

Our last family photo taken in Napa for my birthday. 

Snapshots from the first week of January 2017

God is in the every day.....be present.

I have been out sorts since about the third of November. As I look back over the last 45 days I'm trying hard to remember some of the everyday things that I stopped and photographed. On the 4th of November 2016 my life and the life of my family was changed forever. At 3:22am we were woken up to the sound of brisk knocking at our front door. When I looked through the shutters I saw two officers and realized that this could not be good news. Unfortunately it was not.....they told me that Evan had been in an accident and they needed us to come to Kaiser hospital. I woke up my husband and my son and we made our way to the hospital. I honestly don't remember much but some of the things I do remember is waiting what seemed like a life time before we saw Evan. I remember the strength with a bit of apprehension that my husband and my son displayed that day and through out our time in the hospital....and I remember how quiet it was...on the drive over...in the waiting room as we waited to see Evan. It was almost as if the Lord was putting a blanket over us....a tangible protection so to speak....so that we did not get to far ahead of ourselves. Anybody that knows me knows that (in my mind) I can go to places no one has gone before but on this day I was under the protection of the Lord who knows and sees all that is going on and I had great Hope about what was before us. Now....does that mean I was not scared...no I was totally scared. Was I not worried...OF COURSE I was worried but what I'm saying is even in the midst of being scared and worried....there was calm....quiet....a presence that only God can bring....from the moment I was woken up by the knock at the door and that has remained with me even now. 

The following moments...hours...days...weeks and now one month from Evan's passing have been a blur. So much love has been poured out on us from all over the planet. We have gotten over 300+ cards, along with emails, Facebook messages, meals, flowers...lots of flowers, more meals, hugs, words of encouragement and the list is endless as to the gifts and love that have poured our way. Really to say thank you seems so small for what has been given to us. I don't want to give this illusion that everyday has been rainbows and unicorns. It is not...I have lived in this community for over 27 years and there isn't one place that doesn't remind me of Evan....I cry frequently in public and in private.....but in that I also feel that presence that came to me that first moment when the knocking came at the front door. I hope in weeks to come to chat more about this journey as I've tried to express some of the things I believe the Lord has placed on my heart regarding loss, relationships, investing in people, and walking out our faith in the midst of great loss and tragedy. I hope to take what God shows me through the every day and move it out so that we can pondering together the beauty that surrounds us. I also want to take some of my son's writings and pair them with my photography to create a beautiful blending of two creatives using what has be placed in us to shine a light and send a smile.

To all of you who have walked with us....We love you. You're our tribe and you will never know what a blessing you have been to us. To those of you who know Evan I ask you to not forget. You carry a small piece of him with you and whether he would admit it or not that piece...that love...was Jesus. Love Well...Care often....Don't be afraid to be a zookeeper.